I'm doing alright for the shape I'm in...

That's a new song I heard on the radio the other day, and the timing was just perfect.  Joe Nichols sings it.  I guess I feel like it sums me up in one sentence.  I know my posts have been a little on the depressing side, but unfortunately I rolled this blog out right after a failed fresh transfer.  So, I still have a lot of sadness, anger, and a whole range of emotions.  But, things really are looking up.  I'm already on BCPs for my upcoming FET here in town, and we have a phone consult with CCRM in a couple of weeks.  That's our next stop if this FET doesn't work.  I'm hoping we don't have to go that route just yet, but we wanted to have all of our bases covered since everything in infertility takes so long!
Usually I come around a lot quicker after a cycle, but the recent announcement of all of my friends' pregnancies has made this one especially hard.  The thing that keeps me going is knowing that someday we will be parents.  So, for now, I'm doing alright for the shape I'm in.   

Baby blankets

This has been a hard, hard week.  Two of my friends delivered beautiful babies this week, and three of my friends announced that they are pregnant.  And, I am really so happy for all of them, but it's been hard on my heart.  And, so, enter the world of baby blankets.  That is my new way of coping with buying baby gifts.  While it used to be fun and exciting to prance through Babies R Us to find items off of people's registries, that it no longer the case.  Instead, I found a website where I can order a personalized baby blanket AND have it gift-wrapped AND shipped directly to them.  I never even have to see or touch it.  And, to be honest, it's the best thing I ever did for myself.
The ocean's a little bit bigger tonight...

Blind-sided

I tried to convince myself that today was a better day, and, for the most part, it was.  I came home from work, went for a nice run, and then I checked my email.  That's when my day fell apart.  There it was...an email with the subject line "Some news..."  We infertile women all know that only means one thing.  I didn't want to open the email, but I couldn't stop my clicker finger.  And, there it was.  Plain as day.  My friend is expecting her 3rd child.  That's right, turn the dagger.  It's not that I'm not happy for her...I'm just sadder for me.  We all know that Facebook is not a safe place for people struggling with infertility, but now my email is unsafe, too? 
I know our time will come, and we'll be parents some day.  It just seems like I get knocked down every time I try to get back on my feet.  So, I did what any self-respecting infertile woman would do...I poured a glass of wine.  Tomorrow's another day. 

Meet Infertile Myrtle

I've thought about starting a blog ever since my husband and I learned that making babies wasn't going to be as easy as everyone else seems to make it.  A little about us...
We have been dealing with infertility for 3 years now.  The first year started out exciting...ovulation sticks, waiting anxiously every month- you get the point.  The latter part of that first year wasn't quite as exciting.  It was all about timed intercourse...and we STILL weren't pregnant.  Seriously?  Teenagers can do it.  What's wrong with us?
We waited our obligatory year of trying (we were only 27 at the time), and then I went to see my Ob/Gyn.  My workup came back normal.  My husband's semen analysis (SA), however, was not.  They couldn't find any motile sperm.  We were devastated and quickly whisked away to a reproductive endocrinologist.  Boy were we relieved when he told us not to worry and that he didn't believe that SA.  I had an HSG which was normal.  So, we arranged to show up for an IUI a few weeks later.  Talk about two excited people!  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was Friday, a beautiful summer morning in June, and the day before we were leaving for our summer vacation.  My husband had already dropped off his deposit, and now I was arriving for my IUI.  I got called back to the room and was told that there wouldn't be an IUI today because there weren't enough motile sperm.  I was then given a packet which talked about donor sperm and adoption.  I was speechless.  Everything from that point was a blur until I got back to my car and started sobbing.  Yes, sobbing.  I called my husband at that very moment though I'm not sure how he understood a word I said.  We were soon off to the urologist, and his exam was normal.  She would be on standby if a biopsy were needed for IVF. 
Enter IVF #1...with hyperstimulation.  I was pretty sure I was going to stop breathing in my sleep.  Anyway, 29 eggs later the stats were: 21 mature, only 11 fertilized, 2 transferred at day 3, and none made it to freeze.  BFN.  We later learned that they could barely find any motile sperm to use. 
IVF #2...meds reduced.  14 eggs, 8 mature, 6 fertilized, 2 transferred on day 3...2 to freeze!!!  BFN.
FET #1...BFP!!!  Singleton with a strong heartbeat.  Unfortunately, I had a m/c at 8 weeks.  We were crushed but hopeful.
IVF #3...14 eggs, 10 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 blasts transferred, 2 to freeze.  BFN.
FET #2...coming up soon.

Dealing with infertility has been very challenging and quite the rollercoaster ride (as our RE likes to call it).  We're strapped in and holding on tight!