Gush of blood...and an update

Ok, so I haven't really updated since just before Thanksgiving, but a LOT has happened since that time.  First,
Beta #2 = 1322!  So, it was quite a nice bump.  We were very excited.  We were cruising along just fine until Saturday night (12/4).  We ran out to the store to do a little shopping (nothing strenous), and when we got home I felt a gush of something.  I quickly ran to the bathroom and saw bright red blood.  I thought I was going to die.  How could I be having another miscarriage?  I wasn't in any pain, but after thinking about it for a while, I decided to call our RE.  I wasn't interested in going to the ER, and she totally understood.  She was able to get me in first thing Sunday morning for an ultrasound which I was grateful for.  Luckily, the bleeding stopped after about 20 minutes...then nothing else.  No pain, no more bleeding.  The next 12 hours were some of the longest of my life, and I was really stressed.  Sunday morning we got up bright and early and were at the RE's office at 0730.  We had an u/s that showed not one, but 2 (yes 2!) sacs with flickering heartbeats.  I couldn't believe it!  I was expecting to see a m/c in progress, and I certainly wasn't expecting to see a heartbeat!  I was 6 weeks and 1 day on Sunday, and one was measuring 6 wks 1 day and the other was measuring 6 weeks 2 days.  Both of them had a heartbeat of 117. 

Now, for the bad part....why all the bleeding??  Well, I have a subchorionic hematoma near one of them.  Basically, she told me these are more common with twin gestations for some reason and that I'll probably bleed again (and maybe again...and again).  Despite what some things say, the literature doesn't show higher rates of m/c with SCH (that's what our Dr. said).  I'm scared enough (without the SCH) about having another m/c, and this has me really nervous.  So, I am taking it as easy as I can.  She said to continue vaginal rest, no exercise, etc.

We have another u/s (our original appt) on Wednesday, and I'm excited to hear those 2 little heartbeats again.  I'm so scared, excited, and guarded all at the same time.  I'm praying so hard for these little guys...

Update

  8dpt...POAS and got a BFP
10dpt...POAS again just to make sure
11dpt...Beta #1 463
13dpt...Beta #2 ???

It's been a rollercoaster of a week for me.  First I had a little spotting at 6dpt that only lasted a few minutes.  It was a little too early to be my period, but I thought for sure it was the beginning of the end.  I gave in at 8dpt and POAS.  Then I saw a few drops (literally, a few) on 9dpt, so I got nervous again.  I was shocked at my beta on 11dpt, and I am anxious (to say the least) about tomorrow's beta...  

6dpt and spotting

Well, it's 6 days since my FET, and this afternoon I had some pink spotting.  Not a lot...but I'm very familiar with this pattern.  It was actually time for my estrace and progesterone at that time, and I haven't had any spotting since then (about 8 hours ago).  I do have some bad cramping though.  The one time I actually got a BFP, I had absolutely no bleeding.  And with all of my BFNs, I always start to bleed around this time (though this is a day or so earlier than usual).  So, I'm pretty sure this is coming to an end.  I'm not too surprised, and I never got my hopes up this cycle.  I'm ready to call Denver to schedule my 1 day workup, but I thought I should probably wait for a full flow before I make the call.  For now, I'll just continue my meds...and cramping...and q20 minute checks for bleeding.  ;)

3dp6dt FET

Well, I'm 3dp my FET and feeling pretty unremarkable with the exception of bloating and some serious growth of the girls...but that's all progesterone effect so I'm not even thinking about it.  I used to analyze every symptom, but now I don't let myself pay too much attention (ok, ok...I had a few twinges on the left today- but that's all).  The one thing I've finally been able to link to progesterone is the terrible back and hip pain I've had.  It never dawned on me that I had it with each cycle, but this time it started exactly one day after starting progesterone.  I'm not much of a complainer, but I've been quite uncomfortable.  Oh well.  My left hip was really hurting the worst, but today my right is worse.  I'm actually happy to have some relief on the left!! 
I had a really good and fairly relaxing (well, for me) weekend my DH.  We did lots of cooking (I like to cook ahead for busy weeks), did some shopping, had the best breakfasts, and watched some TV.  Now I'm looking forward to a busy week at work.  It's really the best thing for me because it totally takes my mind off of things, and it makes the time fly by. 

11/11 FET

11/11- Veteran's Day, FET day.  I keep hoping that 11/11 is somehow lucky.  Oddly enough, when they took me back to the OR, the time on the ultrasound screen was 11:11.  I know, a little superstitious but hey...
The transfer went well.  Both of our blasts thawed well, and it was an easy transfer.  I say it was an easy transfer because I have a tipped uterus, so there have been times when it required a little extra work (and even a stiff catheter) to do the transfer.  Well, this time, I went with an extra-full bladder (and I mean extra-full), and the transfer was a straight shot.  No one could believe it.
I was anxious leading up to today with fear that the embryos wouldn't survive the thaw.  So, I felt very relieved once they told me that the embryos looked great and were starting to hatch.  I actually felt very calm during the transfer, and it's always just a little exciting to watch the transfer on the ultrasound screen.  After laying around for 30 minutes, we were on our way.  The rest of the day was pretty unremarkable.  I did get in a nice 1.5hr nap.  For some reason, I was sooooo tired.  Now I'm just watching Oprah.  :) 
My little embies should implant within 12-24 hours of the transfer, and I am praying that they find a comfy home for the next 9 month.  For now, I remain PUPO! 

3 days away!

Our FET is finally within sight and just 3 days away.  I'm excited and nervous, but I know that we have a plan in place no matter what happens.  Luckily, I've had work to keep me busy and keep my mind off of infertility.  And, hence, my blog was quite neglected for several weeks.  I had my ultrasound last Friday, and my lining looks great.  It's always looked great, but I was still a little apprehensive going to the visit.  So, for now, it's all positive thoughts.  I've been incredibly tired (and bloated, of course) since starting progesterone on Saturday.  I always forget just how exhausted it can make me feel.  
On the Facebook front, there's another friend who announced she was pregnant with twins.  And another one of my friends just delivered.  And, another baby blanket was ordered...

 

The countdown continues...

Another week, another baby born, and 2 more on the way.  Seriously?  Is that even possible?  How could one person know so many pregnant people?  Arg.  I guess I'll just order another baby blanket.  I'm starting to feel like there should be some kind of special on them...like, buy 10 get 1 free.  :)

We are 21 days away from our FET.  I'm super-excited and scared to death.  I had my baseline u/s last week, and everything was great.  My estrogen level was nice and low, which is good.  Now I'm hopped up on estrace and feeling tired as can be.  I always forget just how tired (and bloated) it makes me feel.  Good times!
 
Last week one of my friends sent me a good luck package for my test that had all kinds of fall things in it.  I have to admit, I was feeling down and wasn't even sure I was going to pull out all of my fall decorations.  But, I did, and I'm really glad I did.  I now have all of my fall and Halloween decorations up, and the house feels so cozy.  It's bittersweet though.  I remember this time last year and how I was hoping we would have a peanut of our own to dress up for Halloween this year.  Maybe next year!   

Wishing the days away

Today's a sad day.  Well, the past few days really.  I've come to accept the infertility comes with a lot of those days.  Lately I can't stop thinking about my miscarriage.  I think of that little heartbeat, and I think of how far along I should be...and I get so sad.  I wonder if we'll ever know that joy or that excitement again.  I think it's all been rekindled since everyone I know is pregnant...everyone but me, that is.
On Friday, one of my coworkers said to me that she was talking to another coworker and they have a feeling that someone is pregnant.  Well, you can imagine where that went.  They think it's me.  I politely said, "Nope, not me."  Then I wanted to puke.  And scream.  And cry.  Funny thing is, I don't think she believed me.  
I've been looking forward to tomorrow, though, since we have our CCRM consult.  I'm a little nervous about the whole phone consult concept, but I'm sure it's a regular occurrence for them.  I also officially stopped my BC pills over the weekend, and I have my baseline u/s this Friday.  But, really, I have to get through one of the biggest tests of my career one week from today before I can fully turn my focus back to infertility.  So many countdowns going on in my mind- it's hard to focus on any one thing.  I'm just glad I'm finally getting closer to each one of them.      

Why would anyone say that?

I don't rant too often, but here goes...
A lady at work introduced herself to me several weeks ago (we've both been there a while, our paths just never crossed much before).  At that time, she decided to play 50 questions with me (I didn't get a word in edgewise).  "Are you from here?  Are you married?  How long?"  And, of course, "do you have any kids?  No?  Is that by choice?"  (heart sink) 
Me: "Yeah, we just wanted to wait a little while." 
Then she proceeds to tell me that she is single (always has been) but that she adopted her son from another country when he was an infant.  I quickly got back to my business.  Well, today, we see each other again and she says, "I forget, are you married?"  Yep.  "Have any kids?"  Nope, just a dog.  "No kids by choice?"  To which I replied, "Um, yeah, it's by choice" and turned away.
Seriously?  First of all, we had already been through this.  Second of all...none of your %^&* business!  Why is it that some people just don't have social boundaries?  It is so heartwrenching to have to answer that question once let alone over and over- to the same person.  There were a lot of things running through my mind that I wanted  to say, but they would not have been appropriate.  I've been really upset about it because I am realizing more and more that it's the elephant in the room once people realize we've been married for 7 years and have no children.
We recently went to a wedding of one of my high school friends.  This was shortly after my m/c.  All of my friends that were there have 1+ children a piece, and none of them know of our infertility issues.  Interestingly, one of my friends cornered my husband and asks if we're still trying to have kids.  My husband thought it was odd but thought that maybe she at least knew we were trying.  Well she proceeds to go on about how hard that must be and how "that stings."  Yeah, I'm sure she knows since she got married and had a child less than a year later.  And, she always said she didn't want kids.  It just burns me up inside thinking about the conversation and how she was just probing for information.  I'm glad he didn't tell me till we got back to the hotel because I might have lost it.  
Ok, it's off my chest.  Time to move on.  I've got a lot to look forward to in the next few weeks and an FET in 35 days! 

36 days...

...the number of days until our next FET.  And only 6 days until our phone consult with CCRM.  I'm actually pretty excited about both of those things.  Unfortunately, I spent my mid-afternoon running around like a crazy lady.  Somehow the copy service that our doctor's office/hospital uses, was late on getting the records out.  They just arrived in the mail today, so I needed to get them faxed to CCRM right away.  As luck would have it, they double sided all of the sheets, but the sheets needed to be one-sided to fax.  Sigh.  But the fun doesn't stop there.  My place of work isn't the best place to fax the records from since I have a very nosy administrative assistant.  So, I had to scan the records into the computer so I could send them to my husband.  He's faxing them since he can do it a little more discreetly from his office.  And, in case anyone out there is wondering, if you want to fax something at Office Depot/Max, etc...it's about $2-3 for the first page, and $1 PER page thereafter.  As any IVF veteran can quickly tally in her head, that's going to be well over $50 to FAX something.  I mean, you could overnight something cheaper!!  We didn't go that route! 

Anyway, I've officially toned down my post-failed IVF wine-drinking since DH has to cut out all alcohol 3 months before an IVF cycle.  It takes about 3 months to turn over your sperm, and we're planning ahead in case our FET fails.  We're so optimistic!!  Maybe we're just realistic?  But, that's the reason we're doing the CCRM consult so early.  This way we have everything ready to roll if we need to do a fresh cycle after the holidays.  So, I have instead taken to baking Halloween cookies.  Not quite the same buzz, but they are delish!

I'm doing alright for the shape I'm in...

That's a new song I heard on the radio the other day, and the timing was just perfect.  Joe Nichols sings it.  I guess I feel like it sums me up in one sentence.  I know my posts have been a little on the depressing side, but unfortunately I rolled this blog out right after a failed fresh transfer.  So, I still have a lot of sadness, anger, and a whole range of emotions.  But, things really are looking up.  I'm already on BCPs for my upcoming FET here in town, and we have a phone consult with CCRM in a couple of weeks.  That's our next stop if this FET doesn't work.  I'm hoping we don't have to go that route just yet, but we wanted to have all of our bases covered since everything in infertility takes so long!
Usually I come around a lot quicker after a cycle, but the recent announcement of all of my friends' pregnancies has made this one especially hard.  The thing that keeps me going is knowing that someday we will be parents.  So, for now, I'm doing alright for the shape I'm in.   

Baby blankets

This has been a hard, hard week.  Two of my friends delivered beautiful babies this week, and three of my friends announced that they are pregnant.  And, I am really so happy for all of them, but it's been hard on my heart.  And, so, enter the world of baby blankets.  That is my new way of coping with buying baby gifts.  While it used to be fun and exciting to prance through Babies R Us to find items off of people's registries, that it no longer the case.  Instead, I found a website where I can order a personalized baby blanket AND have it gift-wrapped AND shipped directly to them.  I never even have to see or touch it.  And, to be honest, it's the best thing I ever did for myself.
The ocean's a little bit bigger tonight...

Blind-sided

I tried to convince myself that today was a better day, and, for the most part, it was.  I came home from work, went for a nice run, and then I checked my email.  That's when my day fell apart.  There it was...an email with the subject line "Some news..."  We infertile women all know that only means one thing.  I didn't want to open the email, but I couldn't stop my clicker finger.  And, there it was.  Plain as day.  My friend is expecting her 3rd child.  That's right, turn the dagger.  It's not that I'm not happy for her...I'm just sadder for me.  We all know that Facebook is not a safe place for people struggling with infertility, but now my email is unsafe, too? 
I know our time will come, and we'll be parents some day.  It just seems like I get knocked down every time I try to get back on my feet.  So, I did what any self-respecting infertile woman would do...I poured a glass of wine.  Tomorrow's another day. 

Meet Infertile Myrtle

I've thought about starting a blog ever since my husband and I learned that making babies wasn't going to be as easy as everyone else seems to make it.  A little about us...
We have been dealing with infertility for 3 years now.  The first year started out exciting...ovulation sticks, waiting anxiously every month- you get the point.  The latter part of that first year wasn't quite as exciting.  It was all about timed intercourse...and we STILL weren't pregnant.  Seriously?  Teenagers can do it.  What's wrong with us?
We waited our obligatory year of trying (we were only 27 at the time), and then I went to see my Ob/Gyn.  My workup came back normal.  My husband's semen analysis (SA), however, was not.  They couldn't find any motile sperm.  We were devastated and quickly whisked away to a reproductive endocrinologist.  Boy were we relieved when he told us not to worry and that he didn't believe that SA.  I had an HSG which was normal.  So, we arranged to show up for an IUI a few weeks later.  Talk about two excited people!  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was Friday, a beautiful summer morning in June, and the day before we were leaving for our summer vacation.  My husband had already dropped off his deposit, and now I was arriving for my IUI.  I got called back to the room and was told that there wouldn't be an IUI today because there weren't enough motile sperm.  I was then given a packet which talked about donor sperm and adoption.  I was speechless.  Everything from that point was a blur until I got back to my car and started sobbing.  Yes, sobbing.  I called my husband at that very moment though I'm not sure how he understood a word I said.  We were soon off to the urologist, and his exam was normal.  She would be on standby if a biopsy were needed for IVF. 
Enter IVF #1...with hyperstimulation.  I was pretty sure I was going to stop breathing in my sleep.  Anyway, 29 eggs later the stats were: 21 mature, only 11 fertilized, 2 transferred at day 3, and none made it to freeze.  BFN.  We later learned that they could barely find any motile sperm to use. 
IVF #2...meds reduced.  14 eggs, 8 mature, 6 fertilized, 2 transferred on day 3...2 to freeze!!!  BFN.
FET #1...BFP!!!  Singleton with a strong heartbeat.  Unfortunately, I had a m/c at 8 weeks.  We were crushed but hopeful.
IVF #3...14 eggs, 10 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 blasts transferred, 2 to freeze.  BFN.
FET #2...coming up soon.

Dealing with infertility has been very challenging and quite the rollercoaster ride (as our RE likes to call it).  We're strapped in and holding on tight!